TWAT WATCH. STYLE FAUX PAS NOT TO MAKE IN A SKI RESORT

10 TWAT TRAPS TO AVOID

You can spot them a mile off. Especially during school holiday weeks when many Twats migrate to the mountains. Flapping around in unzipped jackets and their lesser (and not so lesser) spotted onesie plumage, they have so much TWATITUDE they're hard to miss. Here are 10 ways to avoid theTwat traps.

1) ZIP UP

Never ride with your jacket flapping loose, completely undone. However hot you are this is totally uncool. Unless you’re jibbing urban rails. Plus, it’s just impractical. Your precious iPhone 6 is buried in the snow somewhere after it flew out of your inside pocket.

2) STEP AWAY FROM THE ONESIES

Let's all wear onesies on the slopes, today. Yay. No, let's not. Step away from the onesie for skiing unless you hired it from Retro Rentals to be totally ironic or for a dare. And unless you were born before 1945 or after 2015.

3) TUCK IN

Always wear your salopettes or board pants, including the snow gaiter, OVER your boots, pulling them down equally and, thus, avoiding tons of snow in your socks . If you’re channelling the Hesh movement of wearing ridiculously skinny salopettes tucked into your boots, we’ll let you off. So long as you land that triple cork.

 

4) NO DOUBLE VISION

Do not DOUBLE-VISION, that is wear  goggles on your helmet/beanie AND sunglasses on your face. Or vice versa.

5) AVOID BEING A NOBHEAD

Do not put a GoPro or any other active camera mount on the top of your helmet (hence, NOBHEAD). Sorry Your Royal Highness, but you are (Prince William, below).

 

6) MIND THE GAP

Never have a TWAT gap – that's a gap between your goggles and helmet which could result in a sunburnt forehead beacon strip that'll brand you as a TWAT both in the resort and back home. 

7) NO LOOSE BOOTS

Never walk around with your skiboot clips undone, power straps flapping – or snowboard boot laces dragging along behind in the slush. Even if it's 2am and you are dancing on the tables because, then, you will do a spectacular tabletop 360. At least, for the nurses in the hospital, taking your boots off to examine your broken ankle will be a breeze.

8) NOTHING ETHNIC

Never wear an 'ethnic' hat with ear flaps unless you were actually in Team USA or Team GB for the Sochi Olympics or you're 4 years old or you have dreads and a gold tooth or are actually Russian. In which case,'персик' comrade.

 

9) SHOULDER THOSE SKIS

Are those skis that you’re holding or a bunch of firewood? Never cradle your skis in your arms; it’s over the shoulder, together with front forward and the bindings behind.  Watch out!  You swung them around to check out that spectacular stack by someone in a dinosaur onesie and nearly took that ESF instructor's head off. Of course, he should've been wearing a brain bucket as in helmet. Le Twat. What about a ski carrier? Yup, it's a very practical way to get to the lifts.  But you're not with us. The Twat line's over there.

 

10) DITCH THE SPEED APP

Using a speed app and boasting about how fast you took the blue run down to the resort is not cool. You could have killed someone - imagine hitting a kid at that speed?  Go huck some backcountry pillows and then we'll listen to what you have to say in the apres bar.